Back to the Future with Mister Coffee

With apologies to:

EDGAR ALLAN POE

For Coffee

Thank Heaven! the crisis,
The danger, is past,
And the lingering illness
Is over at last—
And the fever called "Keurig"
Is conquered at last.


Sadly, I know
I am shorn of caffeine,
And no muscle I move,
As I ponder the scene,
But no matter!— I feel
I am milder of mien.


The moaning and groaning,
The sighing and sobbing,
Are quieted now,
With that horrible throbbing
At heart:—ah, that horrible,
Horrible throbbing!


The sickness—the nausea—
The pitiless pain—
Have ceased, with the fever
That maddened my brain—
With the fever called "Keurig"
That burned in my brain.


And oh! of all tortures
That torture the worst
Has abated—the terrible
Torture of thirst
For an absent Mister—
By mere fashion accurst—
Replaced by a monster
That filled mugs with thirst:


Of a monster that sucks,
With a vacuuming whine,
The water for coffee
Imagined by schmucks,
Who fancy the grind
Is chewing up grounds,
Brewing them black and divine.


My tantalized spirit
Once blandly reposed,
Dreaming those lovely
Hopes now deposed—
Never suspecting
Mornings totally hosed.


But now, while so quietly
Lying, I fancy
A holier odor
About me, of coffee—
Rich black and no sugar,
Commingled with fancy—
With my wife and the lovely
Placebo called coffee.


And so I lie happily,
Bathing in many
A dream of the truth
And the beauty of coffee—
And a Keurig fed death
By the Mister of Coffee.


When her light was extinguished,
She fell on the floor,
And dribbled and promised,
To keep coffee warm—
To never resist—
To always persist—
And keep pushing joe through her door.


And I lie so composedly,
Now, on my couch,
(My Keurig quite dead)
As I’m proud I can vouch—
And I rest so contentedly,
Now on my couch
(With my wife bringing Java)
That you think me some slouch—
That you scorn to look at me—
Think me debouched.


But my heart it is brighter
Than all of the many
Stars in the sky,
For it sparkles with coffee—
It glows with the light
Of my love of the Coffee—
With the thought of the light
On the top of that shiny new Mister Coffee.