The New Fashista Barbie Line

Can’t help thinking, Barbie is more than a doll. She’s an eternal icon.

I’ve never thought all women had to fit some plastic mold, but I read about the latest attempt by Mattel to pander to new ❄️🙍🏽🤬🤮🧒❄️ constituencies, and I thought why not? If it makes them feel better about themselves, go for it. Though I did wonder why anyone could expect a 60-something year old doll named Barbie to be dragged into it. I found the main graphic for the new line. I mean, how realistic is that? Then I remembered seeing just a day or two ago that 60-something Madonna is actually having her own self reconfigured as a CGI earth mother of some sort, and I thought maybe all this re-imaging business is more important than I’d realized. 


So I took a closer look at the Mattel advertising graphic and thought, “Hmm. Seems barely a start to me. They’ve hit a couple of bases, but they also left a lot on the table. I decided to try my own hand at doing better.

[Viewing tip: If you click image files to see them larger on a tablet device, you can taller images even larger by turning your screen 90 degrees to portrait mode.]

 

Certainly there are more buttons to be pushed on this, I thought. For example…



What’s dominating all the sex talk these days? You know that as well as I do. It’s got to be addressed or the formerly pregnant persons we benightedly called “Mother” were bound to be very disappointed with Mattel, Barbie, Ken, and, um, me too. You can work out how elegantly the graphic above handles the key transition issues back and forth.

Still, there’s more than one sex topic in the air these days. One thing nobody talks about is just what percentage of college and graduate students and those recently entered the workplace as nurse trainees, law clerks and such were being forced to find moonlighting professions to muster the scratch for their student loan payments. Why persons you’d never expect get suddenly sniffy at hearing terms like stripper, lap dancer, escort, and call girl. ‘They’re sex workers,’ you’re told in an icy tone. “They get this in Europe. What’re you? Some kind of drooling redneck?  If you want to be treated with dignity, treat others that way too.” Herewith, a constituency Mattel has thus far neglected.


Sex Worker Barbie


Now that Roe v Wade is going to be overturned, and abortions are going to be outlawed across the board everywhere but California, the ones who can’t afford to hitchhike to L.A. or Frisco, are going to wind up PREGNANT. Which is a great tragedy indeed. Another Mattel omission.





Pregnant Barbie


That’s not the only omission. One they probably don’t think they made is their treatment of the hours every day the persons — you know, the ones who menstruate and get pregnant and have to spend endless time on makeup, hair, nails, and various perfumes, unguents and things — aren’t necessarily doing things the same the first Barbies did when all they needed was a quick shower before cheerleader practice, the bathroom is a much more serious place now than it used to be. Time for a new look.

Bathroom Barbie
 




The persons we were speaking of before probably wouldn’t have to spend all that time in the bathroom if all those supposedly cis-normal males could just learn that other genders do NOT have to conform to your Neanderthal opinions about what makes other people attractive or not. We need to change, no, destroy, all the image stereotypes that make one of the genders completely useless and disgusting as human beings. The new age begins now. Get used to it. You have no F__king idea what beautiful is.






Fat Barbie




It’s a very sad thing, but the beauty lesson is one that has been too long overdue. Why do you think so many other genders have had their lives devastated by getting entangled with the evil cis-normal male ones? Face it. This too is now a significant chunk of real life, and Mattel had better start wrapping its thick, stupid cis-normal head around it.






Crack Barbie



What with working two or more jobs for years, and having to poison their body with ODs on birth control pills now that abortion carries the death penalty, it shouldn’t be surprising that there will be many many victims of that death penalty. Especially since the perv doctors who spend more time looking up skirts than looking up new ways to address the specific medical ailments of other genders, it’s a good bet that almost as many menstruating persons will die of cancer as cisnormals do of the prostrate thing. So I was told anyway, in just those words. What Mattel needs to do is advertise the problem and loudly admire the hell out of everyone who so suffers.  Another extensive new line of dolls is absolutely required. These are only the merest start.


Cancer Barbie



Eventually, the battered survivors, if there are any, will one day muster up the courage to just hit the road and go. Mattel should be drawing maps for the escapees. And nicer cars and other electrified vehicles for them to make their escape in.


Getaway Barbie





 

Only a start, I know. But if Madonna’s avatar can give birth to a mighty full-grown oak tree, maybe Mattel can learn to be heroically WOKE. Hope I’ve helped light the way.






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