Ice Crashing 2006

With all the ruckus about U.S. athletes showing off their jock insight about politics and patriotism this year (“me, me, effing ICE killers, and uh, me”), I haven’t paid much attention to the competitions in Milan, a city in which I had some fine evenings decades ago. Why spoil those memories with graceless images of Ugly Americans embarrassing themselves and us? 

What has seeped through my indifference is four American performances on, ironically, ice. Two were disasters, gold medal candidates in figure skating who failed dismally under the Olympic spotlight, and two sterling American gold medal victories by a charismatic young legal immigrant from China and a Women’s Ice Hockey Team that beat Canada thrillingly in Overtime. Any karma involved here and there? Could be.

Regardless, I’m not going to replay any of these turns on ice here. Let the dead past bury its dead self and let the long lasting glow of triumph reveal itself again at intervals as occasions warrant. Why such a high road? Because I want to have some fun with screwups without torturing the ones who are hurting now.

Instead, the two strikingly bad routines we had in skating this year reminded me of another Olympics 20 years ago, which I happened to write about at the original Instapunk website. Everyone involved has had enough time to get over it and move on in this life or the next. So feel free to laugh.


Just to provide proof that I was not inventing the disasters alluded to above, here is what Google AI has to tell us about the2096 “Ice Crashing” events.


If you’re like me, though, you still want to see some cold carnage. So I dug up what certainly belongs on any list of the 19 funniest cold opens in the history of Saturday Night Live. Who do you feel worse for? The skater? The announcers? Or the audience in the stands? Think it over.



Here’s hoping everyone survives the current proceedings and arrives home safe and sound. Even the spoiled brats in the bunch.


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