The Canadian Sinkhole

What’s wrong with this picture?

A rough history of the Great White Mess as a North American colony has been covered in a previous post, but what must concern us as American citizens is the role they’ll be playing in the critical years ahead.

None of the options is promising. Geographically, Canada is the second largest nation on earth. In every other respect it is not even an also ran. Maybe a ‘coulda ran’ depending on how you look at it, but ‘didna ran’ is more like it. For most of their history as a quasi-semi-ex-colony of the British Empire and stepchild of the British Commonwealth, they seem to have just been just sitting there taking handouts from the adults of western civilization. When you look for greats (and I have), they are there but in small numbers and often with sad stories. 

Their greatest writer was Malcolm Lowry, not Canadian by birth but by exile and adoption, who died soon after writing what has been ranked (by the people who do such rankings) as the eleventh best book of the 20th Century. Under the Volcano may seem like an odd title for a Canadian novel, but that’s because it takes on a subject most writers write their way carefully over, under, around, and through without admitting that alcohol is a goddess of literature, the muse of more great works than Shakespeare. It’s been said that no alcoholic should ever read the book because it will send them back to drink on their knees (why I’ve never read it myself.) As a result, Lowry has been pigeonholed, mostly by the literary set I suspect,  as a kind of anomalous genius, but not the good kind like, say, William Blake. 

Other Canadian greats also suffer from insufficient respect. Stephen Leacock belongs in the top rank of North American humorists, but in Canada he is most honored for having been a great mathematician, which he was, with schools and buildings named after him. That he could make you laugh out loud is something Canadians appreciate but do not encourage in their young or reward financially. Why truly talented comic minds like  Dan Aykroyd and these guys had to come to the U.S. to realize their potential.

Stardom via Chicago’s 2nd City TV and NYC’s SNL

Music is a similar enigma. Who do we immediately recognize as a Canadian music star? Do your best to remember, bearing in mind that Canada’s population is not quite a tenth the size of ours. Celine Dion had a great voice and a lot of hit records, but when you look at all the famous Canadian songstresses, they seem to belong in a fairly narrow range of musical artistry. Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morisette, Nelly Furtado, Sarah McLachlan, and Shania Twain are all successful but you wouldn’t call them rousing or revolutionary. The word that occurs to me is melancholy, though I’m not a fan of any of them and can’t be trusted as a critic of their work. Gordon Lightfoot probably belongs in their company, and I do like some of his stuff. In rock and roll, there was Steppenwolf, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Neil Young, and Bryan Adams. Not that much in a 50 year period, even if (unlikely) you still listen to their music. I’m betting some of you remembered Justin Bieber (ugh) and almost none of you got the two genuine greats on the Canadian list. In the classical genre, Glenn Gould was a laserlike pointillist genius. In jazz, Oscar Peterson was the a standard unto himself. And Leonard Cohen was a special case, in a class all his own, more poet than musician, but I tend to think of him as Canada’s Baudelaire, not a name I toss around lightly.

A better anthem than the national Maple Leaf Rag but undeniably subdued.

Subdued. A good word for the second largest nation on earth. I doubt that more than a few U.S. Americans would be willing to nominate a great Canadian political leader. They’re just a beige blur in the history pages. Same with military heroes. Sure they’ve had some, but who has seen a Canadian statue of a game-changing General or combat soldier? Things uniquely Canadian? the Royal Canadian Mounted Police? These days a lot like the Texas Rangers, more famous for their hats than their contemporary accomplishments. Hockey? Okay. The Hockey. Proof that even Canadians have the built-in human propensity for hideous violence.

How do we prevent this incompetently governed nation from falling into the clutches of wicked foreigners like China and, er, China? The appropriation of Greenland gives us military protection against China, but North American invasion and conquest by other means is already underway thanks to the even worse successor to Fidel Trudeau now in charge of the Dominion government.

Is war a real possibility? We remember that the first thoughts about war with Canada date back to the days when Michael Moore was young and funny. Is this the kind of definite unpleasantness we should be preparing our tender selves for?

Nah. Probably not. Those were saner days than we’re living in now.

Fortunately, there is evidence that the Trump administration has a multi-part plan to bring the Great White North under control without any military intervention. This is supposed to be a secret, but everyone knows if you have the password you can get whatever information you want through the DarkNet. So we went there and dug around.

You can click your way to the Net but you still don’t have a password. we do. 

You don’t want to go in there. You’ll just get lost and have to start over here. 

Here’s the plan.

We keep going with the tariff demands and Canadian defiance, etc. Meanwhile, we wait till Farage wins the next election in the U.K. That’s when the new right-wing government will declare its intention to repeal the laws freeing Canada from the authority of the Crown. Once a colony, always a colony. And with its own millions of unwanted immigrants, the U.K. needs a place to transport them away from Piccadilly Circus and Carnaby Street. 

With artful management, the kerfuffle should produce hearings at the U.N., protests in Canada, and the possibility of renewed conflict in Quebec and aboriginal populations, which have not prospered under any regime. Prime Minister Nigel Farage probably won’t deign to meet with Carny, whomis just a provincial subject without title or bloodline to speak of. This will be even more infuriating to the masses.

The Farage Flanking Maneuver

When the Canadians go berserk about this imperialistic outrage, they will be too preoccupied to notice the building of two massive super-highways from the United States into Canada. By the time the recolonization scam blows over, the necessary steps will have been taken.

The first one will be in New York State, which will be too distracted by Zamdani’s communist destruction of NYC to pay attention to a highway project that will bring thousands of jobs clandestinely upstate. 

Yes, yes, Minneapolis is not due north of Niagara Falls. You know that and we know that, but the passengers on this road will be illegals flocking to the welfare and fraud bonanza that is a place called Minnesota. They haven’t any idea where it is. You just get on a bus in Texas or Florida or Tennessee and they take you to freeloader heaven. The highway will, of course, pass right over Toronto and end abruptly in some barren rural hole north of the urban parts. ICE will be in control of the real U.S.-Canada border, because the RCMP will be spending the huge beer donation granted by the friendly U.S. Border Patrol to stir themselves.

The second highway will work just like the first in the far west. It will begin north of Seattle and make a beeline for the Vancouver Space Needle before overshooting it for a sudden dump-off point in the wastelands of British Columbia.

Who’s gonna know? Sure looks like the Space Needle. And the Seattle mayor 

is too stoned all the time to have any truck with anybody but the Governor.

Obviously, the right wing news outlets will have to be pretty vigorous about promoting all the free stuff in Seattle and Minneapolis, and the Red States will have to do their duty in supplying buses to illegals wanting something more and better up north. You’ll see. It’ll work like a charm. But we’re not done yet.

Long before the new highways are operational, the Canadian Government will be seeking tariff mercy from the White House and major assistance against the conquest maneuvers by the evil Brits. What will settle them back down again is a peaceful proposition they can live with.  Here’s what the new deal will look like. The United States will fund two massive facilities in the heart of the most sinister sinkhole region, well north of the narrow strip of Canadian cities along their border with the states. What they will look like:

A grand pagoda-esque facility surrounded by huts in what will be 

called the Forbidden City, whether there are signs saying so or not.

Somewhere to the west of Shangri-La will be the Canadian Mecca Project, a 

welcoming home and/or tourist destination for Muslims residing in North America.

These two facilities will be huge PR opportunities for Canada, squarely in line with their history as a sanctuary for dissidents from the states. Since the American Revolution, Canada has been a fugitive destination for those who choose not to fight for the United States. In the 1770s they were Tories, loyal to the Crown. In the 1960s/70s, they were draft dodgers from the Vietnam War. Not that different when you think about it. Any excuse will do for not putting on a uniform and getting shot at.

Whwt neither Canada nor the United States will mention in public is that both of the new facilities will be wholly dedicated to the manufacture of computer chips that used to be sourced from Taiwan. The Shangri-La facility will be a magnet for MAGA-hating lefties who want a comfortable way of expressing their undying resistance to Trumpian fascism. Many of the supervisory staff will look very Chinese, even if they should turn out to be very polite Japanese troops lent to the U,S. by the new right wing prime minister of Nippon. The trappings and early accommodations will look a lot like the sets of the Lost Horizon movie, including a lot of quack anti-aging diet supplements (made of insects native to the sinkhole). After the job training is complete, the immigrant utopians will be transferred to serviceable huts out back. Naturally, the Canadian government will receive a fair percentage skim from the sale of chips to U.S. Computer hardware manufacturers.

The same basic principal will apply to the Muslim Facility out west. The tent city will be way better than the squatter and homeless digs of Muslim illegals in the lower 48. They will learn that attending the epic-looking mosque is a privilege to  be earned by performing well in the training. The officials of the location’s Sharia judiciary will be, somewhat deceptively, drawn from naturalized Christian U.S. citizens who have immigrated from Egypt, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, and other jihadi-persecuted nations. No one is commenting on the possibilities that some Israelis will be employed in security positions. There may be some planes and other defensive implements to guard the chips and the employees. That’s just common sense. Chip manufacture will be handled similarly to Shangri-La. Insistence on mosque attendance by factory employees at the Muslim facility will be handled in traditional middle eastern fashion, with promises of more privileges in the future, which somehow never materialize. All in all, nothing to worry us about the diplomatic overtures in the most northerly part of the country.

This leaves Canadians to deal with the impact of many thousands of immigrants (i.e., new ‘neighbors’) dumped by the superhighways into the countryside a few miles outside the cities. If the crime rates should somehow surge in this circumstance, the U.S. can begin a protracted negotiation for a project that would put all of the troublemakers to work building a border fence that extends the entire length of the continent from west to east. There are already design renderings of what that project would look like.

People talk about World War Threes and such. There’s no need. The Canadian Sinkhole is just one more empty place that can filled to the brim with prosperity with good old American know-how. That’s U.S. American, not orangey maple leaf American.

O. Canada.

P.S. When your biggest song ever is about a ship sinking through a hole in the water, with all hands lost…