The Trans-Generation Movement

 

They’re not responsible. Get it through your effing heads.

You don’t have to like it, but it’s here.

Just like him but wrinklier and not shotgunned to death yet.

At some level, you can regard it as comedic. These people are, seemingly to us, old and on their last legs, but can a woke world afford to ignore them? No. That’s not how they see it. They have demands. Which proves they must be listened to like every other kind of victim on earth.

Demands

1. Alzheimers is not a disease, it’s a lifestyle choice. Returning to even your earliest youth is the existential right of every living person. No one not a member of the Trans-Generation Movement can understand or judge the values of people who have identified as pre-conscious claimants on the benefits of a society built by middle-agers who have forgotten about model trains, Barbie outfits, smelling your parents’ dope through the vents, sex before you have pubic hair, and all the other delights of youth in America. We insist that instead of being diagnosed as “demented,” we be treated as a community of selectively forgetful rejuvenated young people, who hate you exactly as much as your own teenage children do. With all the benefits thereto appertaining.

2. Because we identify as teens and pre-teens, we demand that the law accommodate us. Just the way it accommodates the kids you have been taught to protect from discovery and prosecution by a whole generation of Hollywood movies. It’s our turn. We can kill small animals, vandalize the school and family home, sexually assault our classmates and teachers, bully our peers, and even get drunk and stoned enough to kill them if we want. Even our disgusting hypocrite parents. These are not crimes. These are juvenile offenses. The detention homes you send us to should have whatever entertainment we need. Some of us still want Internet. Others want checkers and parcheesi and marbles and Smurfs. We do not do sports. That’s for the ones who want to get hurt. We don’t want to get hurt. We all do want ice cream. Our choice, not yours. Then you have to let us out after a bit, especially if we don’t remember what we did.

3. We require foster parents as our bridge to general social acceptance. Which means we also require Family Social Services perpetually on hand to bail us out of any incidents in which our right to do whatever we want is in any way abridged by aforesaid foster parents, schools, counselors, or police. Our attorneys should always be on speed dial.

Do you get it yet? We are the Trans-Generation. We are never responsible for what we do. Just like your own fucking seminal mistakes. The way you were ours.

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Laughing, are you? Don’t. This new development is actually a major existential threat to our way of life. Stay tuned for Part II. When you learn who is about to benefit in a big way and how.