The First TransSpecies Controversy — Woodchuck vs. Beaver

WE IDENTIFY AS BEAVERS

The Beaver is, well, the Beaver. What more can you say? The other one has many names, including 

a French one, siffleux, but also many pejorative nicknames, including land pig, groundhog, monax, 

chuck, whistlepig, thickwood badger, Canada marmot, and even the blatantly speciesist land beaver. 

[EDITOR: We did not mean to drop you in the middle of a firestorm between combatants who are as hard to tell apart as Transgenders and Transvestites and, you know. If you scroll to the end of this post, you’ll find two excellent Wiki descriptions of the two (or more) species in conflict here. We apologize for any confusion you’ve already experienced, especially you women, who react so emotionally to such kerfuffles.]

There’s no football team called the Whistlepigs or Woodchucks. (There’s a hockey team in Winnipeg called the Siffleux, but local convention tends to mispronounce it as Siffylus.) Only one of many reasons why a new protest movement has been established by an organization called WWW (Woodchuck Woodchuck Wood). They contend that Beavers aren’t the only species that can dam up the works and they’ve been proving it every day on the Eastern Seaboard, where they’re mostly from.

Why we’ve arranged a civil debate between spokesmen for the two species. Our moderator will be the famous newser named Chris Walrus, a Mole in good standing at the CNNT Channel in Washington DC.

What are you two Rodentians fighting about? Oh. Right. 

Names. How ‘bout I call you Beaver and Wally? Okay?

WALLY: Thank you, Sir God Chris Walrus. I jus’ wanna say these

damn Beavers have that vulgar cretin Trump convinced they’re 

the only productive rodents in the country, and we’re sick of it.

Why we are now identifying as Beavers. To get our voices heard

as much as theirs. They build dams. We dig holes. They owe us.

BEAVER: Excuse me? We provide water for crops and cattle and 

All the smaller creatures who depend on us for sanctuary in the

winter. What do your holes provide beyond comfort for your fat

asses under the garages and gazebos of rich Northeasterners?

WALRUS: Mr. Beaver. I have to stop you right there. Do I

Have to remind you I’m the only Rodentian on this panel 

with a Harvard degree and a dad who starred in the Wind

 in the Willows? You will be polite from here on in, or you

will find me interrupting you to remind you of the courtesy

OWED to the long oppressed ‘land beavers’ in this country.

WALLY: Can I say something about that asshole jackass, Trump, 

Sir God Chris? I mean I really hate these motherfucking Beavers.

WALRUS: Absolutely, Monsieur Wally. Vive Les Habs.

WALLY: Cool. These Beavers are all monogamous and shit. Does 

anybody believe that? They have these “Lodges” all winter. What 

are we supposed to think they’re doing in there? Praying? Eh? Eh?

BEAVER: I guess you both know that my kind could outperform your kind in 

any test you want to propose. My family can rebuild a dam destroyed by the 

EPA or Agriculture Department overnight. Which means eating trees in half. 

Only thing Wally here has ever eaten in half is his own foot escaping from a 

rabbit snare. And you, Mr. Walrus, have never done a lick of real labor in 

your life. Why Mr. Trump listens to us and not to the lesser rats of this ship.

WALRUS: Have to stop you right there, Mr. Beaver. This debate is over. You 

clearly do not respect my Harvard degree or Mr. Wally’s pitiful peonhood to the 

degree necessary for any progressive intellect to appreciate. You reek of Trump.

Why you’re out of water in Beverly Hills, Sir God Damned Sir.

**********

Beaver

Beavers are large, semiaquatic rodents in the genus Castor native to the temperate Northern Hemisphere. There are two extant species: the North American beaver (Castor canadensis) and the Eurasian beaver (C. fiber). Beavers are the second-largest living rodents after the capybaras. They have stout bodies with large heads, long chisel-like incisors, brown or gray fur, hand-like front feet, webbed back feet and flat, scaly tails. The Eurasian beaver has a more elongated skull with a more triangular nasal bone opening, lighter fur color and a narrower tail. The animals can be found in a number of freshwater habitats, such as rivers, streams, lakes and ponds. They are herbivorous, consuming tree bark, aquatic plants, grasses and sedges.

Beavers build dams and lodges using tree branches, vegetation, rocks and mud; they chew down trees for building material. Dams impound water and lodges serve as shelters. Their infrastructure creates wetlands used by many other species, and because of their effect on other organisms in the ecosystem, they are considered a keystone species. Adult males and females live in monogamous pairs with their offspring. When they are old enough, the young will help their parents repair dams and lodges and may also help raise newly born offspring. Beavers hold territories and mark them using scent mounts made of mud, debris and castoreum, a urine-based substance excreted through the beaver's castor sacs. Beavers can also recognize their kin by their anal gland secretions and are more likely to tolerate them as neighbors.

Historically, beavers have been hunted for their fur, meat and castoreum. Castoreum has been used in medicine, perfume and food flavoring, while beaver pelts have been a major driver of the fur trade. Before protections began in the 19th and early 20th centuries, overhunting had nearly exterminated both species. Their populations have rebounded, and they are both listed as least concern by the IUCN Red List of mammals. In human culture, the beaver symbolizes industriousness and is the national animal of Canada.

***

Groundhog

The groundhog (Marmota monax), also known as a woodchuck, is a rodent of the family Sciuridae, belonging to the group of large ground squirrels known as marmots.[2] The groundhog is a lowland creature of North America; it is found through much of the eastern United States, across Canada and into Alaska.[3] It was first scientifically described by Carl Linnaeus in 1758.[4]

The groundhog is also referred to as a chuck, wood-shock, groundpig, whistlepig,[5][6] whistler, thickwood badger, Canada marmot, monax, moonack, weenusk, red monk,[6] land beaver,[7] and, among French Canadians in eastern Canada, siffleux.[8]

The name "thickwood badger" was given in the Northwest to distinguish the animal from the prairie badger. Monax (Móonack) is an Algonquian name of the woodchuck, which means "digger" (cf. Lenape monachgeu).[9][10] Young groundhogs may be called chucklings.[11]: 66 

The groundhog, being a lowland animal, is exceptional among marmots. Other marmots, such as the yellow-bellied and hoary marmots, live in rocky and mountainous areas. Groundhogs play an important role maintaining healthy soil in woodland and plain areas. The groundhog is considered a crucial habitat engineer.[12][13][14] Groundhogs are considered the most solitary of the marmot species. They live in aggregations, and their social organization also varies across populations. Groundhogs do not form stable, long-term pair-bonds, and during mating season male-female interactions are limited to copulation. In Ohio, adult males and females associate with each other throughout the year and often from year to year.[15][16] Groundhogs are an extremely intelligentanimal forming complex social networks, able to understand social behavior, form kinship with their young, understand and communicate threats through whistling, and work cooperatively to solve tasks such as burrowing.[17][18]